I can never be a smartass when I want to.

The French have a term for the feeling one gets for discovering the perfect verbal riposte after the fact.  It is called 'l'esprit de l'escalier" or "spirit of the staircase".  Today for your viewing pleasure I have re-created conversations because I am that awesome (And by "awesome" I mean neurotic) in which I come out on top.  Feel free to insert your own "oh, snap" or "Oh, no she dih-ihnt" here. 

For example, me yelling at our dog, Zack for chasing the cats for the gazillionth time.

Me: Zack, Godammit!  Leave the cat alone!

Zack: *blinkblink* *lick*

He then proceeds to give me this look that says,"But but I'm a rescue and I've been so abused and I just want some fun in my pitiful life."

Me: D'awwww. *scratches dog's ears*

What I obviously should have said was, "No! Bad dog! Go lay down!"  Admittedly not very original or witty but at least I didn't get bested by a dog..

Conversation with  police officer who pulled me over for speeding.  Ironically, I was a DD on new Year's Eve.  People that were obviously hammered were driving by laughing their asses off.

Police officer: *giving me the steely officer glare* Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: (At this point I really had to pee and just wanted to get this over with.) *gulp* Er, no.

Police officer: I clocked you going 55.  The speed limit on this road is 45. Have you been drinking?

Me:  Eep.  No, sir.  I was the DD for a group of my friends tonight.

Police officer:  That's very responsible of you. (Issues ticket anyway.)

If I was going to get a damn ticket anyway, I should have said:

Police officer:  Do you know how fast you were going?

Me:  No, I didn't have my radar detector plugged in.

Thank you!  I'll be here all week!

And here is crap that made me laugh today.

Yeah? The maple kind?  I actually discovered this a few years ago but it still makes me laugh.

The fate of my fatass cat.

Every dog ever.