Random crap I thought about today.

On my phone's navigation system:

 I really love the idea of a GPS.  I love that my phone has navigation; mostly because I can get lost in my own damn neighborhood.  (No, it's true--I have the sense of direction of a drunken toddler.)  I would like to know, however, who picked the voice for my phone's navigation system.  Not only is the bitch impatient as all get-out, but what is with the TONE she gets?!

Navigation chick:  "In 300 feet, turn left onto State Road 575."

At this point I am dutifully in the turn lane with blinker on.  LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS LATER: "Turn left onto State Road 575."  And again.  Apparently the concept of the red light has escaped the makers of my phone's navigation system.  

At this point I am shouting obscenities at the phone. "Shut up shut up shut up, you inanimate tramp!"

Speaking of which, they switched the navigation app on my phone to Google maps.  I have nothing against Google maps, but they have made it about 6.2 billion times more difficult to get directions.  It takes longer to pull the damn thing up than to  actually drive there.  Sorry--I'm rambling.

Back to the bitchy GPS lady.  If you decide that you would like to take another route, God forbid.  She gets this snarky, self-important, passive-aggressive attitude.

 "Make a U-turn where possible." You keep driving, of course. 

 "Make a U-turn where possible."  

After about the third repeat of the SAME DAMN set of instructions, she finally sighs and says in this resigned tone, "Recalculating." (Okay, she doesn't actually sigh, but the implication is there.)  Honestly, Android programmers--there are enough bitchy, passive-aggressive women out there.  Did you have to make the voice on my phone's navigation system just like them?!

On the royal baby:

Honestly, I could give a tiny rat's ass about most babies.  I just was not born with the gooey motherhood gene.  I will admire my friends' babies for as long as social obligations expect one to admire a baby.   I will even go to their showers/birthday parties and bring an appropriate gift.  I will even lie my ass off and tell you your baby is cute even if the child looks like a weeny, peach-colored Komodo dragon.  But I do reserve the right to smack you if you name the child something stupid.

Thank you, Kate Middleton, for giving your child a normal name. You did not name him after a fruit, a geographical location, or a direction.  (Thank you also for not giving us any footage of the actual birth.  I'm sorry, but ain't nobody got time--or the stomach--for that.)  Seriously.  NEVER make your friends watch your birthing video.  I love my girlfriends but I have no desire to watch their uterus explode as their spawn exits screaming out of it.

And in an entirely unrelated note, the new Pope is awesome!

 

And to wrap up--

Crap that made me laugh today:

So friggin' true. 

I would so buy this car. 

This should not have made me giggle as much as it did. Don't judge me.